Let’s talk about marriage and infertility. Infertility can wreak havoc on a marriage. Even the happiest marriages can be torn apart by the struggle of infertility.
Infertility can put a wedge between husband and wife like nothing else. But trying to have a baby can also bring a couple together and bond them in new ways, if they let it.
When my husband and I tried to get pregnant, we struggled. There were miscarriages, multiple IUI’s and an IVF. Infertility creeps into your marriage in small ways. Intimacy seems futile and unproductive, making it seem like a chore rather than love. Resentment starts. And the hardest part is, both husband and wife feel sad, frustrated and alone because they can’t discuss their feelings with their spouse for fear of hurting them.
My bout with infertility lasted 3 years, but my husband and I made it out with our marriage intact because of three things. First, we decided we were in it together. No matter what happened, there would be no blame and no fault. Second, we continued to live our lives. We tried to enjoy the moment together instead of focusing on the children we wanted and didn’t have. Third, we sought outside help (counseling and support groups) because we realized this was bigger than us and even though we were a strong couple it had the potential to ruin what we had.
There were some dark days, of course. There were days I felt utterly alone. My heart goes out to anyone struggling with infertility, and I hope somehow you are able to not let it consume you or your marriage. You will have the family you are meant to have. Talk to your husband. Talk to a counselor. Get into a support group. Get the help you need to get through this time together.
I now run support groups in Oakland and Orinda as well as see individuals and couples in the East Bay.
